Are we dating the same guy?
Facebook groups offer intel but upend lives.
The Washington Post The network has sometimes turned toxic for the men who are the subjects of posts and the women writing them.
Are we dating the same guy?
Facebook groups offer intel but upend lives.
She had cut off contact with her ex, put a thousand miles between them and started therapy.
Still, Jocelyn a 30-something in the Pacific Northwest couldnt shake the feeling that his abuse was her fault.
Her therapist suggested she seek out other women who had experienced something similar to what shed described: A fairy-tale romance that led to a quick engagement.
A slide into violence.
A cycle of broken promises.
When Jocelyn heard about city-specific Facebook groups called Are We Dating The Same Guy? she thought she had found that support.
She logged into the social network using a fake account to shield her identity and posted several paragraphs about the relationship.
She imagined other women would chime in with similar experiences, saying they understood.
I didnt get any of that, said Jocelyn, who spoke on the condition that her last name be withheld to protect her safety.
Instead, I got him brought right back in my life. The secretive Are We Dating the Same Guy network exploded into public view in January, when an Illinois man filed a defamation lawsuit against its founder, Facebook and its parent company Meta, a woman who had allegedly posted about him and dozens of others he says are involved in the groups.
The lawsuit cast a spotlight on a phenomenon that has been quietly shaking up dating a network of forums that aim to make courtship safer but have at times harmed the men being posted about and the women behind the posts.
Some of the claims propagated within the groups have derailed the lives of the men being discussed.
Women who opened up in the communities, meanwhile, have felt their safety was put at risk.
The groups were launched by one woman, Paola Sanchez, with a noble goal: Creating a space for women to empower each other and keep each other safe from dangerous andor toxic men. A reported 3.5 million members in more than 200 groups share red flags about men in AWDTSG spaces shaped to feel like a sisterhood, with women sharing advice and encouragement in the often lonely search for love.
Sanchez, 29, declined repeated requests from The Washington Post for an interview, saying that speaking publicly about AWDTSG would set a very bad example for members.
In posts to her groups in January, she said she plans to aggressively fight the Illinois mans lawsuit and show that these groups are mainly comprised of truthful warnings. In an era when many walk into first dates armed with only the paltry details on a Hinge or Tinder profile, crowdsourcing information within the groups has proved popular.
Countless women say they have called off potentially dangerous dates, left a cheating partner or verified their concerns about a man because of what theyve read in AWDTSG.
But nearly two years after the first groups sprung up, interviews with dozens of people involved with the network, many of whom spoke on the condition of anonymity to protect their privacy, revealed that the consequences can sometimes be far reaching.
In forums that can top 100,000 members, where rules are difficult to enforce, damaging claims can take hold and ultimately wind their way back to the accused men.
Men describe being questioned by employers, losing relationships and spiraling emotionally over accusations they insist are untrue.
Women speak of being confronted by the very men they warned others about.
Some former moderators, who once devoted hours to the groups cause, said they have turned against the groups out of concern about the collateral damage.
A portion of members have also expressed discomfort with Sanchezs efforts to raise money.
GoFundMe drives aimed at building an app for the AWDTSG forum and defending against the lawsuit had raised more than 80,000 by late February.
Erin McPike, a spokeswoman for Meta, said none of several AWDTSG groups that The Post asked about were violating the platforms policies.
She said the company removes content that shares or solicits personally identifiable information or other private information that could lead to physical or financial harm. Meta also gives people ways to report posted images that they believe violate their privacy rights, McPike said.
She did not respond to requests for comment on the Illinois mans lawsuit.
In posts in the groups, Sanchez touts her network as guarding against the worst aspects of online romance.
She marveled in February 2023 at the communitys swift growth, saying it feels amazing to be helping protect so many women. But for Jocelyn, opening up made her feel less safe.
She deleted her post, but it was too late: Her phone soon pinged with text messages.
Are we dating the same guy?
Facebook groups offer intel but upend lives.
The Washington Post The network has sometimes turned toxic for the men who are the subjects of posts and the women writing them.
Are we dating the same guy?
Facebook groups offer intel but upend lives.
She had cut off contact with her ex, put a thousand miles between them and started therapy.
Still, Jocelyn a 30-something in the Pacific Northwest couldnt shake the feeling that his abuse was her fault.
Her therapist suggested she seek out other women who had experienced something similar to what shed described: A fairy-tale romance that led to a quick engagement.
A slide into violence.
A cycle of broken promises.
When Jocelyn heard about city-specific Facebook groups called Are We Dating The Same Guy? she thought she had found that support.
She logged into the social network using a fake account to shield her identity and posted several paragraphs about the relationship.
She imagined other women would chime in with similar experiences, saying they understood.
I didnt get any of that, said Jocelyn, who spoke on the condition that her last name be withheld to protect her safety.
Instead, I got him brought right back in my life.