If You Want a Marriage of Equals, Then Date as Equals - The Atlantic Why are many dating practices a throwback to an earlier era?
If You Want a Marriage of Equals, Then Date as Equals.
Why are many dating practices a throwback to an earlier era?
Heterosexual women of a progressive bent often say they want equal partnerships with men.
But dating is a different story entirely.
The women I interviewed for a research project and book expected men to ask for, plan, and pay for dates, initiate sex, confirm the exclusivity of a relationship, and propose marriage.
After setting all of those precedents, these women then wanted a marriage in which they shared the financial responsibilities, housework, and child care relatively equally.
Almost none of my interviewees saw these dating practices as a threat to their feminist credentials or to their desire for egalitarian marriages.
But they were wrong.
As a feminist sociologist, Ive long been interested in how gender influences our behavior in romantic relationships.
I was aware of the research that showed greater gains in gender equality at work than at home.
Curious to explore some of the reasons behind these numbers, I spent the past several years talking with people about their dating lives and what they wanted from their marriages and partnerships.
The heterosexual and LGBTQ people I interviewedmore than 100 in totalwere highly educated, professional-track young adults who lived in the greater San Francisco Bay Area.
This was not a cross section of America, for certain, but I did expect to hear progressive views.
Most wanted equal partnerships where they could share both financial and family responsibilities.
Almost everyone I interviewed was quite vocal in their support of gender equality and didnt shy away from the feminist label.
However, I noticed a glaring disconnect between the straight womens views on marriage and their thoughts on dating.
Once these women were married, it was difficult to right the ship, so to speak.
The same gender stereotypes that they adopted while dating played out in their long-term partnerships.
Three-quarters of Millennials in America support gender equality at work and home and agree that the ideal marriage is an equitable one.
Consequently, I expected the young women I interviewed to epitomize feminist liberation.
Yet, when they thought of equality among men and women, they focused more on professional opportunities than interpersonal dynamics.
Americans with a college education now get married in their early 30s on average, as young adults put their love life on hold while they invest in their education and establish a career.
Given the significant time, money, and effort they put into building this career, the women I spoke with expected to partner with people who would support their ambitious professional goals.
The men said they desired and respected these independent, high-achieving women and actually saw them as more compatible partners as a result.
And yet in a throwback to an earlier era, many women I spoke with enacted strict dating rules.
Its a deal breaker if a man doesnt pay for a date, one woman, aged 29, told me.
A 31-year-old said that if a man doesnt pay, they just probably dont like you very much. A lot of men, they assumed, were looking for nothing more than a quick hookup, so some of these dating rituals were tests to see whether the man was truly interested in a commitment.
A third woman, also 31, told me, I feel like men need to feel like they are in control, and if you ask them out, you end up looking desperate and its a turnoff to them. On dates, the women talked about acting demure, and allowing men to do more of the talking.
Women, they said, were more attractive to men when they appeared unattainable, so women preferred for the men to follow up after a date.
None of the women considered proposing marriage, that was the mans job.
I know it feels counterintuitive Im a feminist, the first woman said.
But I like to have a guy be chivalrous. Not all of the heterosexual women I spoke with felt strongly about these dating rules.
Getting married and having kids were probably, if they were even on the list, like number 99 and 100 on the list of 100, one told me.
I think the men I was with knew.
It would just be ridiculous if they were on a bended knee offering me a ring. Yet even the few women who fell into this category tended to go along with traditional dating rituals anyway, arguing that the men they dated wanted them and the women just didnt care enough to challenge the status quo.
The heterosexual men I interviewed claimed that a womans assertiveness took the pressure off them.
While some liked paying for dates, feeling that the gesture was a nice way to show they cared, others were more resistant.
One man told me he splits the cost of a date Fifty-fifty.
That goes right in line with my theory of the person I consider my equal.
Just because I carry the penis does not mean that I need to buy your food for you.
Youre a woman, youre educated or want to be educated, you want to be independenttake your stance.